Monthly Archives: May 2017

Gaining More Respect from Your Partner

Respect, like so many other aspects of relationships, flow up and down. While making sure respect remains mutual, one might need to shore up flagging levels. One needs to establish respect at the outset because gaining more can only occur if it exists to begin with. Once with respect, then a few simple behaviors will guard what has been gained and slowly add to it.

Guarding the Line

A good way to increase the respect being received starts with preventing the loss of any gained over time. These behaviors come from strong inner core. The world and partners will seek to erode personal respect for several reasons. They might feel threatened, seek to build themselves up through destruction or make sure their own level of respect does not diminish. Here are some good practices to not lose anything from the bucket holding your respect.

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* Set Boundaries: Attacks to respect happen most frequently when someone does not have healthy boundaries. The best definition of boundaries equates to a line in the sand delineating something not to be violated. Disrespectful people will be inclined to step over the line for any number of reasons including believing their needs outstrip the natural reasons for the boundary.

* Be Independent: People respect those who are capable of existing in a state of sufficiency. This does not mean fierce independence punctuated by an attitude of not needing anyone is called for. Such a hard line stance fails to encourage a partnership. A fine line separates being different from a partner and remaining isolated emotionally.

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* Respect Yourself: The simplest way to maintain respect centers around having it for yourself. Asking a partner, even someone who loves you deeply, to have something you do not have for yourself is akin to expecting a horse to fly. Take the time to assess your own value and stand up for it when challenged.

On the Offensive

Being defensive alone will gain nothing. At best, a steady guarding of respect will prevent any from going astray. Only when combined with active step will aid in building the level of respect. Unlike with vigilant approach, active responses for respect need to be doled out in targeted doses if they are going to be effective.

* Avoid Settling: It can be easy to think the best way to build the relationships centers around getting along. Working together within a couple can be important, but constant compromising pokes holes in bucket holding respect. One knows when they are settling and need to stand up for what is important. Which leads to the next arrow in the quiver.

* Speak Out: Thinking things never bring about change. Only by taking the risk and calling for respect verbally will clarify how important it is to you. Without that tangible conversation, they could claim a lack of knowledge. These types of discussions may cause sparks. Having a plan and sticking to it will help in the heat of the conversation.

* Stick to What You Say: Respect is never gained by grand speeches alone. When a plan has been established or a boundary set, following through is critical. The action alone demonstrates the level of commitment and garner more respect. Being aware of how this will play in the future should also curtail any overly ambitious promises.

Respect must remain mutual. Careful selection of a partner, cultivating the relationship and taking time to consider how each decision will impact the other person builds the reservoir of respect for both people. Hang in there, do the work and revel in what is being formed by sowing seeds in the fertile ground of a respectful relationship.

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Five Signs of Relationship Boredom

Boredom turns out to be one of the sneakiest dangers facing every relationship. Often it creeps in on cat like paws rather than the big crashing destruction brought about by infidelity.

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Underestimating boredom’s corrosive quality courts the end of the relationship as truly as the sun rises and sets. Recognizing the major signs boredom has entered the domain of your relationship will allow safeguards to be put into place forestalling any permanent damage.

Sign 1: No Alone Time

Nothing alleviates boredom like more people. They distract, add conversation and force problems out of the way. In general, couples avoid heavier topics like their relationship problems when other people are present. This often stagnates the relationship and attacks any healthy parts still standing.

Sign 2: Nostalgia Trap

Spending the bulk of a couple’s time and attention looking back at what happened before locks the relationship in amber. They begin to seek the aspects of the way things were. Longing for the good old days puts planning for the future on hold. The past is a nice picture to look at occasionally, but a terrible springboard for future planning.

Sign 3: Same Old Same Old

Routines offer stability. No relationship is designed to survive without a level of stability. However, locking into a unwavering pattern sucks the adventure from a relationship. Not every ounce of excitement needs to come from cliff diving or amusement parks. Deep conversations and emotional vulnerability can offer groundbreaking revelations.

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Sign 4: No Big Deal

Early in a relationship little things appear to carry so much weight. One nice aspect of longer relationships is when those tiny bumps sting far less. Couples should note when they feel nothing at all when plans get superseded or mild slights occur. This is cause for concern. If you are not getting upset about the small things, how deeply do either of you really care?

Sign 5: Ticking Clock

Boredom rears its head most when the specter of an onrushing end comes into view. Neither partner may wish to discuss how bad things have gotten, their level of disinterest nor their enjoyment when doing things alone. They will hang on to things far longer despite feeling bored because it is easier in the long run to not face the end.

Solving Boredom’s Trap

Everyone of the signs have a major aspect in common. They all hinge on not talking about the thing right in front of the couple. Sometimes the conversations center around simple things like date nights or changing things up. Other will require couples to discuss deeper issues such as their true compatibility. Boredom loses its grip the more couples meet it and the underlying issues head on.

Boredom mainly manifests as an annoyance. The problem is it will metastasize if left untreated. Couples need to be brave because only by doing what every fiber of their being is telling them to avoid can they hope to rescue what they have.

Speaking into the pain, telling the truth about what they feel and embracing what the future holds, couples can banish each wave of boredom as it arrives. Successful couples will do it repeatedly as boredom returns.

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Assessing Men’s Expectations

In a relationship, a challenge arises as to whether a man’s expectation falls into the reasonable or unreasonable category. Taking time, considering what is being asked and the reason for the expectation forces one to prognosticate the future for themselves and the relationship. Nothing strains a relationship like an unrealistic standard. Let’s look at expectations, their unreasonable counterparts and the motivations behind them.

Appearance expectations: “I want her to look…”

Everyone has a type or things about how their partner looks. Because of the initial impression made by appearance, several expectations form. Some of these are based on personal taste. A partner may prefer a certain hair color or clothing choice. Sometimes these can be fluid provided the guy realizes all the factors going into how someone looks.

Unrealistic: Run away if when his expectation sounds like a letter to a popular men’s magazine complete with measurements and phrases like “the girl next door.” A preference for down to earth beauty typified by the description is fine. When it becomes the only focus, he is seeking some teenage fantasy rather than a real person.

Reason for the Unreasonable Expectation: Simply put, a lack of maturity establishes this type of expectation. One of the greatest dangers with playing into this view of oneself centers around the flattening of other healthy aspects of you. Intelligence and personality become secondary at best with a focus on a looks.
Personality: “She’s got to be…”

Everyone has heard a litany of descriptors for personality or nature including sweet, exciting, biting and countless others to which they are drawn. We all have parts of our personalities and they manifest themselves in different ways. One person might display playfulness by cracking jokes while another might chose to take time to plan an activity. Neither is wrong because they show a nuanced way of being.

Couple Standing in the Seashore Hugging Each Other during Sunset

Unrealistic: “You need to be…” implies a static form of interactions. The words themselves dictate someone wanting their needs to be met without every taking into account how the other person feels. No one gets to mandate the way someone expresses themselves.

Reason for the Unreasonable Expectation: Any number of reasons might be the cause for such an expectation. Fear of not being in control or wishing to deal with only things on the surface may nudge a man to keep things light, reasonable or sensual. Emotional and relational self management combined with safety may make a guy stick guardrails around a freely expressing person.

Relational expectations: “My partner always…”

People like to know who they are dealing with. They seek someone with similar interests, love languages they connect with and with whom they experience a connection. These factors, in and of themselves, are not bad. They can help in the selection process and everyone has them.

Unrealistic: “Always” and “only” for every aspect of a partner does not allow for a wide range of things. As the list grows from one or two declarative items, the man has stopped looking for a person. He starts seeking a list. A major drawback is how many people it cuts out of being a potential partner.

Reason for the Unreasonable Expectation: Does everyone not want exactly what they want without any surprises? Most do. If asked, men would say they are open minded with a few deal breakers. This is true. A few men go so far as to mandate everything about the person they seek. Those individuals could be dealing with issues and possibly require time and space to grow.

Everyone, men and women, have expectations. It is impossible not to have them. The moment the expectations dictate everything about a possible partner is when they cross over into unrealistic. Standing up to unreasonable demands will help break the expectations opening the door for a deeper relationship and opportunity to discover each other for real.

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