Forgiveness within a relationship, whether an ongoing or fractured one, is paramount. Without engaging in the constant dance of risk taking, wronging and repair of the relationship, couples never grow beyond the tiny, safe patch of grass where they graze. This means knowing the right time to consider things careful and when to release things. Most people fall on the side of the coin where a resolution is desired. What drives this? What are some signs it has been long enough? Is there such a thing as a correct time to make up? These and other questions create a possible environment where couples remain in a holding pattern. Understanding each section and then making decisions according to what needs to happen means taking several factors into account and seeing how they piece together.
What is the drive?
It seems natural to say everyone wants to be forgiven. However, we all know people who either seem constantly content to pursue their own whims and desires without a care for the damage this behavior causes. These individuals are sometimes the hardest to forgive because they appear to want it the least.
This points to an important factor in making up. The act rarely, if ever, is for the other person. Think back to the last fight had with someone important and the feelings left in the wake of the disagreement. If being honest, one's personal feelings dominated the initial thoughts because it grows hard to imagine the other person hurting as much as we do in a given moment.
Because pain is such great motivator, it can push us to make snap decisions. Pain can also be an excellent teacher. Taking a little time to discover the source of the pain, one's role in its manifestation and how the pain causes us to respond makes us better equipped to change. Part of that change is in repairing the relationship damaged in the disagreement.
What are the signs it has been long enough?
While sounding cliche, one will know when adequate time has passed to bring about reconciliation. One must be aware of the signs because a lack of awareness leads to being locking a cold place where forgiveness refuses to flourish. Let's look at some possible signs.
* Sting is Lessened: Memory of the event or disagreement does not seem quite so fresh. This does not mean all the pain is gone. It just isn't as sharp.
* Sense of Lack: When thinking of the other person, they come to mind first and not the offense. One needs to be aware they miss the other person and want them back in the relationship fully.
* Ability to Discuss: The processing of things has been done and now the person can talk about it in all the facets necessary without the sensation of being cut by it. One needs to stay in touch with their feelings. Being robotic in their handling of the matter increases the chance for recurrence rather than forgiveness and repair.
Is There a Correct Time?
In short, there is with the caveat it varies from person to person. Far greater damage can be done if one forces a timetable on someone before they are ready. Maybe because of modeling from their family, one person forgives quickly. The other side may need time to ponder everything while getting in touch with their feelings without them being so raw. When enough signs from the area above align for both people, making up becomes an option for both people.
Forgiveness forges deeper bonds within couples. Always bailing on tough conversations or situations only serve to weaken the structure of the overall relationship. One needs to resist rushing the process. Neither can they ignore the opportunity offered by disagreements and reconciliation. Take the right time and then reach out because everyone will feel better afterwards.
Everyone faces the eternal question of should one continue pursuing someone or releasing the relationship at some point. The heartache caused by the struggle has less to do with the final decision than the fear of losing the “one that got away.” You can end up swirling in an ocean of self doubt. For such reasons, it proves best to assess the situation critically using the past as a guide, the present as a compass and the future as a destination.
A Guide about relationships.
“Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.” Couples trapped in endless loops of arguments, unstable behaviors and even the placid stability often lament the state of their relationship. The reason they do this is because they forget about the previous things in the relationship.
Seeing what your partner has valued in the past will indicate what he will value moving forward. Risk takers seek excitement. These adventurous souls never entirely become homebodies. They may change for a short period of time and bounce back to their wild ways. When assessing past behavior, one must take into account what is important to themselves and where their partner overlaps with them.
Divergent interests or values bring stress. If you find yourself working at cross purposes, it might be time to say goodbye. A Compass Compasses prove great when needing to head in specific direction because they point toward the North Pole. One needs a strong foundation when making a difficult decision, so knowing magnetic north is the most valuable information to possess.
What sorts of things serve as compasses for the relationship?
* How he talks to you: A kind voice may mean he’s concerned about hurting your feelings. A sharp tone could demonstrate a loss of patience. * Interests and desires: Watching where he spends his time, if he includes you and how much they have changed since you have been together. These might point to inclusion or separation.
* Big Issues: A common mantra is how much opposites attract. While it makes for sparks, couples on wildly opposing sides of important things likely end up fighting more than uniting. The tricky part of dealing with compasses is they can be prone to interference. To combat any confusion, you need to talk to him about these things and possibly qualify what he means in given areas. His tone might have less to do with a lack of concern and more with a long and stressful day. Regardless, these are important indicators.
A Destination no one ever gets anywhere without knowing where they want to arrive. This seems very basic. Continuing to pursue a relationship means knowing where you want it to end. Do you want a traditional marriage? Are you hoping for an open relationship? Though representing two extremes, moving forward with the right person only happens when you know which of the countless avenues you wish to travel. An important thing to recall is destinations have the freedom to change.
In the end, the hardest part of the decision to end a relationship has far less to do with the one you bond with. The letting go or hanging on requires a far deeper study in what matters to you. The challenge of being honest about what matters, where you are willing to go and how you will get there says far more about you. By doing the hard work, you will know if you need to hold tight or wish them well. So dig deep, check the stars and move toward love.
Three signs to let go and move on is an article that hopefully will help you with one of the most important decisions you will ever make in life. Ending a relationship triggers numerous emotions which means making the right decision requires some assurances. Seeing the reasons takes a critical eye and an iron will to act upon them. The signs fall into three main categories. Let’s look at the reasons along with the subcategories under them.
One of three signs: Loss of Meaning
Relationships require support beyond simple things like pleasure or companionship. Shallower items may prop up a failing couple early in the run. Unfortunately, the weight of longer relationships require sturdier supports.
Doesn’t Mean Anything Anymore: When one no longer feels valued in the relationship, they will wonder what the point of continuing is. This often sounds quite dramatic, but everyone needs to feel valued. The lack of mean eats away at the relationship slowly like a lemon left face down on a marble counter top with its slow destruction to the porous stone.
Don’t Have Trust: Like meaning, the erosion of trust can be subtle at first. The trust bank requires replenishment constantly. The small investments shore up the relationship when times become hard. With exhausted trust, the relationship ends in strangulation of hurt feelings and sideways glances.
One three signs: Lack of Future
Relationships require room to grow. Couples hitting the highest levels of growth, commitment and connection may find they have no where else to go. This stagnant pool breeds mistrust. In this state, either person may feel suffocated and wonder where things are going.
History Versus Vision: A longing for better times in the past means someone is drinking from the well of nostalgia hoping things might return to the way they were. Without forward momentum, couples cease growing. A good history can contribute to a good foundation. Hanging all hope on the past proves to be a millstone dragging the relationship underwater.
All the Effort: If one person does all the work, they might want to consider just how much the relationship means to their partner. This can be a tricky thing to determine. Any discussion with a partner will likely lead to a disagreement since everyone usually thinks they are doing all they can to hold up their end of things. Careful consideration must be exercised to determine if someone is doing all they can within the relationship.
One of three signs: Emotional Pain
One of the strongest indicators of relational health is emotional pain. This can be difficult to quantify as there are not good measurements for pain. Medical professionals have a scale of one to ten. Often, matters of the heart can feel like a ten when a couple goes through them, but the intensity can lessen with the passage of time.
Being Alone is Better: Making the choice to be on one’s own rather than with a partner points to the location of a person’s heart. It might be a situation where peace is found in the stillness. An important thing to remember centers around the individual’s natural style of interaction. Introverts might prefer to be alone even in the best relationship. Being aware is critical.
Hurts to Be with Them: A sensation of pain from a dull sense of dread to a stabbing pain in the chest can be physical signs of an emotional pain. Expressions of emotional pain, especially very intense ones, prove difficult for most people to share. Many suffer in silence. A few lash out in response to the pain. Ultimately, these are not the correct responses.
Deep reasons run throughout relationships giving clear indications as to the overall health of the pairing. By being alert and responding appropriately, the relationship can end with a minimal amount of damage to either person. Loss of meaning, lack of a future and ongoing emotional pain lead to the right decision no matter how difficult it might be. Be smart, release the pain and move forward toward a healthy future.
Trust can be the strongest element in a relationship. It is a barrier against the challenges presented by the outside world seeking to destroy a couple. What happens when trust is damaged? Can it be shored up or even reconstructed? The short answer is yes. The longer answer centers around the difficult process requiring honesty, open communication and diligence in forging a trusting bond. One needs to walk the hard path to get back to where they belong.
Speaking the Truth
Trust lives in an environment of honesty. Regardless of how good or bad a relationshipended, each person needs to be truthful about everything. Honesty should not be used as a club to bend the other person to the will of the other. The past, present and future depends on being careful and using important keys to build trust.
* Accurately Address Things: Couching things or overly editing clouds the message.
* Watch How the Message Is Delivered: Tone conveys a great deal when speaking. Being too soft or stern may blunt or heighten what is being said unnecessarily.
* Always Be Kind: Remember the goal is to rebuild trust. A firm message offered with polite words allows for ongoing communication.
Allow a Response
Initially, it can be easy to get too focused on one’s role in the exchange. This is a two way street. One of the hardest things anyone may face targets the reply from the other person.
* Be Quiet: Hopefully, they listened thoughtfully to what was said. They deserve the same respect. Hearing back may require swallowing bitter aspects of one’s own personality or behavior.
* Don’t Defend: Everyone, especially when receiving personal information, tends to want to leap into defense mode. Trust often needs space and acceptance. If offered with similar kindness, one must avoid the urge to choke off the exchange.
* Mirror the Behavior: During the conversation, make an effort to feel how things are going and respond accordingly. A strong sense of control, which may mask hidden defensiveness, might urge one to rush things along or pull back. One can be thoughtful without hiding behind a mask.
Emotional contact with one’s partner fosters an environment of trust. Treading carefully at the beginning presents a greater level of comfort. Small things like eye contact and non verbal cues will help one’s partner witness the importance and investment to growing trust. As with all things when building trust, moving too fast will likely shatter progress, so avoid being overly physical.
Consistency Proves Key
Trust cannot be built in a single conversation or afternoon. Returning to a place where the relationship returns to a healthy place requires slow, steady growth. This means making time for one another, not pushing too deep or lashing out when things get hard. The level of difficulty can feel overwhelming. One needs to acknowledge and accept what these emotions without letting the damage the conversation.
As fragile as a snowflake, one must treat trust with the respect it deserves. A relationship never survives without it, so it is up to both parties to maintain trust for the life of the relationship. Trust thrives with open communication, mutual respect and consistent contact. Pour in those and watch the trust flourish.
When the weather warms, couples seek great ways to spend time together shedding the coziness of the indoors for the bright warmth of the wide world. Several opportunities open up for those with an adventurous spirit, a bit of creativity and a passionate drive. Let’s look at some of those options and how they can be tailored to the specific interests of those on the hunt for fun.
Everyone enjoys replaying the times during the spring, summer and early autumn of their youth spent engaging in some spirited games. As children, the spirit of competition may have been too great. Couples can take a more leisurely approach to getting outside in the sun for some friendly play.
* Complete Leisure: There is a block of movement build strictly for enjoyment. Couples can throw a Frisbee or play with no aim to accomplish anything. The light work allows for conversation and laughter.
* Competitive Play: Youthful games like miniature golf or horse shoes gives a slight sense of stakes to what is happening without sweating through a shirt or making one another feel a trophy is on the line.
* Amp It Up: Couples with higher drives can head out for things like shooting baskets or tennis. This elevates the energy, but they need to watch that tempers do not flare as well.
Date idea 2. Walking Around Downtown
Several smaller towns have taken steps to beautify their downtown districts. This change has allowed a variety of businesses to set up in close proximity to unique eating establishments. Taking an opportunity to amble through a quaint locale increases conversation, allows sweet physical contact and gives each a chance to share their personal taste. Antique and old book shops give time to explore for wonderful treasures.
Date idea 3. Making Unique Snacks
Homemade foods, especially those with a sense of whimsy, prove to be a great activity for couples using a variety tools and ingredients secured at a nominal cost. Ice cream and shaved ice demonstrate personal tastes. One may discover a partner’s preference for coconut or they considered throwing salty peanut butter in their ice cream. These windows offer a new vista to the person beyond what they want to eat.
Date idea 4. Outdoor Concert/Event
With general admission seating and a convivial outdoor setting, couples may find heading for a night out under the stars to listen to music or watch a movie projected onto the side of a building may be the fun they are looking for. These concerts could give everyone a chance to hear something new. The symphonies of most cities have an outdoor concert during the summer where they play lighter and more familiar fare. This could be an ideal introduction to classical music with a starry sky.
Date idea 5. Finding Fun at a Festival
There are festivals for everything including art, music, comedy and countless others. With the elevation of craft brewing, the purveyors of hops get into the festival game when the weather warms. The cost can be minimal with varied fun. Here’s what can be done at a festival.
* Browsing booths with oddities like an antique store with bright sunlight and fresh air.
* Finding local artists who present a new take on things witnessed on a daily commute around the city.
* Consuming the wares of fine chocolatiers, brewers and candy makers of all stripes.
Getting outside can be fun, open up new vistas of things for couples to do and spark conversation. Couples only need to step through the door into the sunshine. Out in the open, they can find whole new facets of their relationship.
The sting at the end of a relationship leaves many people lost and floundering. In the haze of pain, one can wonder if they will every come out the other side whole even if they have suffered heartbreaks in the past. Those in pain need a course of action where they feel progress being made dealing with what they went through and becoming a better person at the other end. Let’s look at some steps for moving forward.
Take Time Away instead of breaking up.
Even the most resilient people require time to let the hurt of breaking up subside. The initial days and weeks magnify the pain one is feeling. An important thing for everyone to do at this point is taking a step away from things and granting themselves permission to feel the pain. Like a seed planted in the ground, buried pain rises to spread its vines throughout a person’s life and future relationships. A hurt person will want to be well as soon as possible. A quick resolution becomes less of a catharsis and more of a burial.
Keep Busy with Other Things
Laying greater focus on the former relationship and its demise will trigger negative feelings. While self examination and evaluation of the relationship may be a good exercise at some point, this should never be done immediately at the end. Skewed perspectives will lead one to misinterpret things. One needs to take advantage of the situation. They may get away from relationships and focus on other areas.
Educate: Delving to a particular area of interest, perhaps neglected even prior to the relationship, may open up several areas. It is wise to narrow the focus to interests with personal history and avoid things one may have followed with the partner.
Explore: Travel and new activities means exposure to things. This richness creates a more interesting individual. One need only be limited by their own imagination. Crafts and hobbies often spring from this fertile ground.
Examine: During a relationship, one might lose touch with themselves making the time following an even greater challenge. Getting back in touch and casting an eye toward things going on inside may yield additional fruit over time.
Too often following a break up, people grow critical about everything. This attitude starts as a protective shell against the pain they are feeling and then morphs to encompass so much more. The first step to avoiding bitterness over a break up requires being gentle to oneself. Some have never talked to themselves, either internally or externally, with the care they would one of their friends. They need to extend the same kindness to themselves to help the healing process.
Get Out of the House
Isolation suffocates people in pain. They think lack of contact will keep them safe from future pain. While this is true on a strictly narrow sense, it creates an environment where they are only alone. Getting out of the house with friends and family will keep one connected to the world at large. This becomes critical when a desire to date again rises because it will be easier to follow through.
The pain can feel insurmountable as though it actively seeks to crush the life from the body. For that reason, acknowledging the pain without giving up one’s life to it allows for the possibility of moving through it. Staying engaged by taking time, keeping busy, being gentle and getting into the world proves the healthiest way to grow from rather than being stunted by the pain of breaking up.
No relationship rolls along without any bumps in the road. Once a crisis presents itself, couples discover pulling the relationship out of a downward spiral proves supremely difficult. Partners can take simple steps to smooth things out lowing the risk of an explosive end to the relationship. Though the steps sound easy, couples need to invest time and energy if they seek a perpetual trajectory. Let’s see what they need to pursue.
The cornerstone of every relationship, personal or profession, rests on being able to communicate. When approaching any problem, couples find most of the issues tie back to how they communicate. A simple process exists to get couples on the same page while strengthen the relationship as a whole. Breaking them into pieces will demonstrate their importance and how they help couples moving forward.
Listening: Individuals always think they are excellent listeners. Unfortunately, active listening requires more than not talking. To listen, the couple will need to maintain eye contact, confirm the message being received and ask key questions. It is also important not to interrupt the person speaking too frequently.
Sharing: The other side of communication means sharing things as well. A less forceful person might hold things close rather than offering thoughts, feelings and dreams to their partner. A lack of emotional honesty and parting of the veil makes both people feel isolated.
Communication is a give and take. Both people need to feel seen and heard. Those who do not feel that connection will seek it elsewhere.
Behind communications, couples who last are able to apologize to one another. This is more than a quick “I’m sorry” to move things along. The party who has been hurt needs to share they have been harmed and how it makes them feel. Once aware of the offense, the other person should communicate their understanding of the situation, their pain over having hurt the other person and how they intend to address this in the future.
Apologies can be one of the most challenging things a couple can face, even those who have been together for a long time. Those capable of mastering sincere apologies last far longer than those who hold onto resentment and pain letting it fester and seethe. Also, an honest, heartfelt expression trumps a perfect execution every time.
Doing Stuff Together:
This step, similar to the first two, sound surprisingly simple and obvious. Unfortunately, couples with longer relationships point to a lack of mutual interests, adventures and surprises. Activities done together bond couples giving them a shared language. They can recall a time they went somewhere, played a game or even did something they never thought they would do. Here are some things to consider when planning an activity.
* Small Works: Simple things can carry as big an impact as the largest all day adventure.
* Get Out of Town: Even a day trip to a national park can break a routine and put a couple on a path to discovery.
* Indoor Playtime: Doing a puzzle, having a picnic on the floor or playing a childhood board game adds a sense of play and gets everyone off their electronic devices for a little while.
All of these items place the couples in front of one another. When couples share space, they will end up sharing other things too. They meld together in a healthy way where they can communicate deeply, ask for honest forgiveness and develop a unified history. All they will need to invest is time and effort.
While men strive to appear to the outward world as unflinching heroes, their armor falls away exposing them for the creatures they truly are. Most men long to be respected, given space to not let stress consume them and then reflect those same things back upon the one they love. Taking this approach can be challenging as it means placing trust in the eventual outcome. Often the rewards far outweigh the effort.
Stepping to Royalty
Relationships and moving within them operate within a paradigm giving the impression of ease. As with most things, the nuances of these steps require far more energy than first expected.
* Listen to What He Says and Does Not Say: Everyone, even those who turn out to be the most guarded, end up disclosing exactly what they want. Taking note of what is being shared gives a window into the other person’s heart. Unfortunately, the window is often opaque requiring occasional questions to make sure things are on the right track.
* Time with Other Guys: Encouraging him to spend time with his friends proves important. Some men either bury the part of them which needs masculine friendship or they selfishly rip it away from other things. Imagining how he would respond if the pressure was removed by granting him freedom to do it as he decided makes the gift bestowed even sweeter. He will be glad even if he does not understand why.
* Share His Experiences: By making sure to do things with him, he will notice a desire to be included. There will be times or events he may not wish to share, but his appreciation may grow with the offer. Approaching these things with an open mind shows him how invested you are in him and what he likes.
* Let Him Hear from You: Knowing their woman fights along side them, sees the things they do and wants the best for them bolsters men and feeds them with confidence they sometimes feel fading. Being encouraging seems like a small thing. Good men only need a little nudge to remind them how much better their life is with you in it.
Seeing direct responses to actions leads to positive outpouring from one partner to another. Let’s see how they manifest themselves in relation to the four steps.
* He Hears You: A man heard by his partner will extend the same courtesy.
* He Treasures Time with You: With time away, he will see how nice it is to be around their partner.
* He Pursues Your Interests: With a lack of securing things for himself, he will be more inclined to experience some of your interests without any cajoling necessary.
* He Encourages You: He, filled with confidence and security, will pour the same qualities out in return.
These qualities on both sides need to flow from a place of love. No one should ever feel compelled to only give and never receive anything in return. Also, taking these steps with only a view toward the outcome poisons what is growing within the relationship. A man who feels safe, secure and respected will want to make sure you feel the same things and much more.
Gary Chapman, in his best selling book, outlined the concept of love languages. He broke them down in general categories and posited everyone has a particular language to which they respond. Most people give in a language they desire. Unfortunately, being paired with someone possessing an identical love language is quite rare. More often than not, a partner needs something requiring sacrifice and practice to speak to them in a ways they truly value. This makes understanding all the love languages critical for open communication and deepen intimacy.
because one buys something for their partner and it is done. Those who respond to this language do not point to the gift itself. The gift represents everything else involved. Things like time, attention and effort all meld to elevate the item from a “gift” to a representation of the the other’s heart. In a gift card obsessed culture where no one wants to get the “wrong” thing, a thoughtful, specific item speaking directly to a partner’s interests goes a long way to bring two people closer together.
For this group, the presence of the one they care about can be enough. Think of a cold day when the wind blows and sleet hits the windows. Sitting next to a fire and having one’s partner there warms more than the body. It warms the heart. Too often, a person can get too focused on doing things or providing an experience. Those with the love language of time only want to know they matter enough to be with.
Words trip people up as society moves ever farther from a place where words hold sway. Take all sorts of social media with their emojis or pictures substituted for a well timed word. People who need words do not seek eloquence. They only want to hear the truth about themselves from their partner’s heart. It can take the form of a poem, a song or a simple whispered “I love you” followed by a pet name. Because of this, they feel seen and heard by the one they love.
This sounds really big as a love language complete with grand gestures or arduous tasks. The simplest way to understand this is think of the worst household chore. It varies, but everyone has one. Now, imagine arriving home with the task completed unexpectedly. Service is doing things for the partner they may always have to do or put off doing. This lightens their burden. But deeper than merely doing a chore for them, the partner sees how the rest of their work is acknowledged and seen.
Before this turns to more adult topics, because almost no one can resist those touches, this love language centers on more G and PG touching. Holding hands, snuggling on the couch and a good old fashioned hug passes affection to those with this love language. One of the biggest challenges for people with this love language occurs when the relationship has been well established and most of the early playfulness and touching vanishes. They need skin to skin contact to know their partner is close and cares.
Almost everyone has a dominant and secondary love language where they receive the majority of the reinforcement of connection. However, everyone should receive a variety of love from all these categories because it touches them in a variety of ways at different times. Words of love can impact those longing for touch as much as a tight hug. The important thing is to take the time, get to know what a partner needs and then strive to fill them with as much love as possible.